Creature of Purpose

  When I was neck deep in Christianity the quest of purpose was my extreme focus. What was my purpose? I posed this question to God on a daily basis, asking, sometimes demanding an answer, a reason, something. It was during this time I read all kinds of books on purpose, all with a religious slant of course, and would adopt aspects and latch on exclaiming “I found my purpose!”
  Needless to say, I hadn't, I always wanted to do his (Yahweh’s) will, so my purposes’ was in line with that, i.e., becoming a minister, working with the poor, mowing widow’s lawns, serving communion, building churches in Honduras, ramming Christ down family members throats, becoming a warrior for Yahweh, judging others by biblical standards, etc.
   Sense I no longer have to satisfy an invisible sky daddy in fear for my soul, my focus on purpose had to be modified. I've found that releasing god’s purpose for my life, I found that my purpose wasn’t that much different in the “what” but more in the “why and for who”.  So, without a supernatural force directing every step of my life, except for the ones that he doesn't, where do I start, how do I answer the question? Revelation #1 – IT’S ME DAMMIT!

My will shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force: I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice, my responsibility; win or lose; only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~

  I am responsible, when you reject the notion of a god(s) then who else is there? There is so much power in personal responsibility. Everything I think about, act upon, manipulate, etc. is my fucking fault. The way I perceive the day, interact or react towards people, places and things is all on me, not god, not my parents, not my wife, not my boss, not my dog, not Facebook posts and not on Obama (or Bush is you like). This is the first concept to get through that thick skull of yours, it’s your fault, all of it, yep that too. The number one step in finding your purpose, is finding your level of responsibility for your own actions and reactions. How do you expect to find your purpose when “your” is just a placeholder for some other agenticity for “you” to hide behind.

“Agenticity”: the tendency to believe that the world is controlled by invisible intentional agents. We believe that these intentional agents control the world, sometimes invisibly from the top down (as opposed to bottom-up causal randomness).  ~Michael Shermer~

  Agenticity isn’t just god(s) it’s any unsubstantiated entity, New World Order, Santa Claus, New Age, Fate, Destiny, etc. This was and still is a huge pill to swallow for me, the only one to blame is me, good and bad, if I am going to begin to steer this ship I need to put my hands on the wheel.
  Revelation #2 – DON’T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATH WATER!  As with any pendulum the swings from side to side can be monstrously huge, and my pendulum was no different. When I released myself from slavery to Christianity I rejected everything that had anything to do with it, or that ascribed to being a part of it. So all those things listed above, gone, rejected, which was a boneheaded move on my part and caused some needless pain.
  I learned that what I considered god(s) purpose was really just my purpose that I gave agenticity to. I like helping people who need it, now I don’t limit it to the poor and homeless that frequent shelters, but to anyone, my friends that are in a slump. I can still mow widow’s lawns, minister (non-religious) to people; I can ram science, logic, reason down people’s throats instead (kidding). I found out that the reason god(s) always agreed with my interpretations was because they were my interpretations. Dugh!  I dare you to test that on yourself.
  So, what is my purpose?  Well, for now it's simply to leave this world and the people I come in contact with better off because of my existence and interaction.  To be the best husband, father, friend and businessman I can be in the moment I'm in.  I no longer feel that my purpose has to align with someone else's interpretation of what that should be.  Is that so different than others?  I would have to say yes, because it's my purpose, and I work towards it without fear or guilt being the motivator.  For better or worse, I'm at the helm.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes. ~William Gibson~

com·mit·ment

“If it’s worth praying for, it’s worth owning” This is a philosophy I’ve adopted and implemented in my life, yet I can’t remember when I started feeling this way. I guess it’s like so many ideas that worm their way into our lives, molding and shaping us into the people we are at the present time. They come through, education, people, places, articles, books, social media and musings from day to day.

I believe that if an idea, an action, a future goal, etc. is worth giving voice, then whatever that idea, action, goal, etc. is worth taking ownership of or for. To me this is the essence of commitment. Webster’s Online Dictionary defines Commitment as:

a:
an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially : an engagement
to assume a financial obligation at a future date

b:
something pledged

c:
the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled

With this definition in mind, it doesn’t address that “life” causes commitments to change and mold, and I’m not really talking about that, I speaking more towards the attitude towards making that commitment in the first place, giving it voice and sending it out to a god, or the universe.

When I was in ministry I heard people say many prayers. They prayed for forgiveness, strength, wisdom, patience, budgets, building funds, youth trips, etc. I myself did exactly the same thing. Looking back, it didn’t seem like ownership was taken for these prayers in my life or theirs. I would pray for forgiveness, but wouldn’t take ownership of that forgiveness. I would continually pray for strength and deny ownership that I might indeed be strong. In Iraq I heard the prayer for protection, but saw actions based in fear, doubt, insecurity that plagued us all. I don’t think I need to go on, I’m sure you get the picture.

We ask, or pray for success, but aren’t we obligated to work towards that goal? We ask for health, doesn’t that mean we need to take ownership in being healthy? We ask for a lot of things, and in doing so we have made a commitment to those things. Ownership of our lives, our actions, our words and deeds is the fulfillment of our statements we make to the universe or to any god we choose to pray to. In the end, when you continually ask, or pray for something, doesn’t that say something about the commitment you are willing to put forth, keeping it in words, leaves it as it is, just words.

I’ll leave you with two quotes I hold dear:

‎"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." ~Harriet Tubman~

“Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it.” ~Johann
Wolfgang von Goethe~

Note to self...

There are few things worse than being trapped in a spiral of self-defeating habits that gnaw you into compliance. Starting out small, they wormed their way into my daily life, slowly, unassumingly until they became a master and I, a slave. Substance abuse, over eating, cussing, laziness, depression, etc. are all activities I was not born with, but habits that have lead myself to this day.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." ~M. SCOTT PECK~

In my last four years of discomfort in who I was, what I was becoming, I started the hard task of change. In my continued journey of change, weight loss, husbandry, and parenthood I have come to the realization of certain behaviors, combinations of habits that I created, sustained, and knelt in servitude before are all my fault 100%.

First realization, nutrition is important. I always said to myself, it didn't matter what I ate. Hamburgers, fries, pizza, burrito's, pop, etc. are all just food, my body need food, right? Besides I workout, I'll just burn it off, ya know, tomorrow. When I took an honest look at what I eat, it was painfully obvious I was not getting the proper nutrition my body needs to be at it's optimal weight and health. When don't have the proper nutrition you're tired, and when you're tired you're cranky, and you might not even be aware of it but you are negatively effecting those around you. Your sleep is a direct reflection to your nutrition, you eat crap, you can't sleep worth a crap. There are so many things that seem to take care of themselves when you're putting in your mouth what your body needs, and not what your cravings need.

Second, exercise is important. When I was in the Army, fitness was something I worked at because I had to. It was drilled into me at basic, and my fitness was important for promotions, which is a strong motivator. When I ETS'd from the Army, I also ETS'd from my workout. This was a terrible mistake, but one I made nonetheless. I know now I quit because it was attached to a job. I worked out for the Army's sake, not for me. The hardest is making the time, consistently, to dedicate to exercise. I justified my laziness by telling myself it is a selfish activity that takes time away from my wife, my family, my friends and the activities we wanted to do after work.

Letting yourself go is selfish, to take on the habits of overeating, inactivity and laziness lead to depression and self loathing. What good am I as a husband, a father if I allow myself to develop clogged arteries, joint pain, type 2 diabetes, pulmonary dysfunction, etc, etc. how am I providing when my life span is reduced? You, me, owe it to those we love the most to get off our butt and fix the things that aren't genetic, don't die before you see your kids grow up just because you like beer and brauts, don't let your children inter their adult lives without your guidance and companionship because of a craving for jelly donuts and cheesburgers.

Third, change is important. I did not get to today all at once. I didn't get fat overnight, I didn't become depressed overnight, I didn't form any habit overnight. Change has to happen, there is no magic pill, no prayer, no life coach, trainer or doctor that can erase the lifetime of self destructive habits that everyone carry on their back in one night. Start small, small habits that can impact your health for the better. Change is inward, it can't be taught, it can't be coached, which makes it 100% your choice. You decide, you no one else.

Advocare is an awesome place to start, and has been for me. Through supplementation I now get the proper nutrition into my body which gives me balance, and balance has improved my attitude, my marriage and my life. Going through "Commit 2 Fit "- 8 healthy life habits in 8 weeks is a great plan to use to start creating a healthy lifestyle. Am I where I want to be, do I look the way I want to look, the answer is most definitely no. BUT, I made a change, started down the right path towards living, and isn't that what it's all about? Quality of life, it all takes time, you owe it to yourself and those you love to get right... if you need help, or encouragement, I am here.

"There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing." ~ Brian Tracy~