Help me out....

Change is inevitable, it happens with us, for us, to us, against us and so on, and on, and on.  I’ve never really minded change, or gave it much thought.  I’ve always had a “roll with it” mentality that has served me well over the years, but nevertheless, the current changes in my life have caused pause, and reflection.

Why do some people resist change so much?  I used to and believe lots of people think it’s just fear, fear due to lack of experience, or fear of losing something the currently have.   I think it might be more than that, a lot more than just fear.  What if it’s mixed with pride?  Fear + Pride, pride in who you are at this moment, pride in the decisions you’ve made, pride in your job, talents, abilities, etc. or Fear + Pride + ignorance + faith?  You work out the combinations, there are bunches.

Lots of change that happens is out of our control, like your favorite boss quitting and going to work somewhere else.  This has recently happened to me, which is probably why this topic is on my mind.  I had an awesome boss, he was good, smart, and honest and told you like it was.  You knew where he stood, and that is rare in the world of covering up, and launching people under the bus to make yourself look good.  The group I work with now has a new manager, and it has been interesting the different adaptations I’ve been witnessing in myself, and my teammates. 

Old Guy is the coolest member in the group and is my Yoda when it comes to remaining calm and going with the flow.  He is ‘Fonzie’ when it comes to adapting to changes.  He is unafraid to jump the shark, and fearless in asking for clarification.  I’m learning a lot from Old Guy.

Then there is Angry Guy.  This struck me as odd, because he wasn’t like that before the manager swap.  He got defensive during meetings where he was asked about his activities, and projects.  He’s bitchy and moody, and complains about the work load.  I don’t understand this one, is it fear of the unknown, is it fear of proving yourself to be the competent one that needs to be in that chair?  I don’t know what the deal is, the new manager is a lot like the old one, and the only difference I can see is she lacks a penis. I personally think that gender is a terrible reason to rate someone.  I hate to think it is because she is a she, but he is in his 50’s, and may have a different perspective on serving under women.  Or is it something else, pride, inflexibility?  I don’t know, maybe you can offer up a reason.

Brings us to New Guy, he started a couple of weeks before our manager left for greener pastures and seems to be ok with it all, but he and I both wonder about Angry Guy.  I have noticed that he has become the group’s peace maker, olive branch provider, between Angry Guy and everyone else.  This may be a trait he had all along, or a response to the changes that have been made, who knows.

Then there is Hidden Guy.  He was always up front, look what I can do type.  Not in a bad way really, just made a point to let you know all the stuff he was doing.  He was just visible, but now he hangs in his cube, comes out for meetings and what not.  Works and calls on others as needed.  I don’t understand this one either.  He doesn’t act depressed or stressed out, when we see him he seems the same as always without the bravado. 

Now I know that all of this is skewed by my perspective on the different situations but still, makes me wonder.  I know in my life I’m going through at least 6 changes, some are super slow, some have been quick, some are constant but it’s funny how each one brings me to different thoughts, different feelings, different conclusions and different questions.  I personally don’t think things happen for a reason, we just find reason in the things that happen and attribute that to someone, or something else.  Like now, as I’m writing this a quote popped into my head, and maybe it’s one of the secrets to adapting…

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself in your way of thinking.” ~ Marcus Aurelius~

 

My Sensed-Presence Experience

I recently finished a rereading of “The Believing Brain by Dr. Michael Shermer” and in it he speaks about the sensed-presence effect. It is when the brain suffers hallucination(s) of a presence due to stress-induced neurological dysfunction caused by any number of reasons Dr. Shermer lists; monotony, darkness, barren landscapes, isolation, cold, injury, dehydration, hunger, fatigue and fear add sleep deprivation. This part fascinated me because of an experience I had which held proof in my mind of god’s existence, even if the worlds explanations of who, what , when, where and why were rejected during my journey of truth and self-honesty.

Why I was wrestling with giving up my beliefs in a personal god I systematically started with religion, which was easier than I thought, and its doctrine. I found that finding the research on debunking the Bible was easy and widely available; all I had to do was start looking with reason goggles on (I started with Foundational Falsehoods of Creationism). The thing I had the hardest time with dismissing was a personal experience I had during my second internship as a Youth Minister for the church of Christ.

I arrived at the church the summer after my junior year at Oklahoma Christian University, which was a trying year for me, I was hounded by doubts about biblical texts, but resolved in my faith that god would work those out for me, and I was excited to see the kids I had formed a great relationship the summer before as we grew the youth group from a handful of kids to more that 30 with good relationships with other youth groups in the area. My optimism was high for another successful summer. I had kept up through emails with the minister and a few of the youth who never let me know about the destruction the elders wreaked upon the youth program throughout the year.

A group of 30 was now three, which was two less than when I started. After spending time speaking with the families of those who left I learned the eldership cut all the funding, blocked use of the van to transport to youth functions, and closed the use of the youth building for youth activities. There were many other things that happened, all to lead up to a broken moment one
evening. I remember I walked into the little apartment located in the basement of the youth building, I was so tired and emotionally spent, so I got on my knees at the end of my bed and began to pray, which turned into weeping. I felt alone, abandoned, emotionally and physically exhausted. It was in that moment I felt a hug, a true embrace which turned into a very peaceful feeling. I awoke in my bed the next morning with a feeling of clarity, I felt truly touched by god and it gave me a strong sense of direction. I got dressed, packed my belongings, called an elders meeting and resigned and returned to Oklahoma.

I still feel peace when I think about that moment. It was a profound decision gate which changed the course of my life when I changed my major from Youth Ministry to Liberal Arts, never wanting to do ministry again. Looking back I'm sure that was the moment my journey to skepticism began and the seeds of reason and logic were planted. I’m glad I have a better understanding of how and why I had that experience, which is the last string of magical explanations I have been holding on to. Still, I am thankful for the defense mechanism my brain has, and the hug that it gave me in my time of need, because I really needed it.